SUBJECT: REINDEER PHYSICS

SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS OF THE PHENOMENA OF FLYING DEER AND SANTA CLAUS

I AM PLEASED TO PRESENT THE ANNUAL SCIENTIFIC ENQUIRY INTO UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA. THIS YEAR WE CONSIDER THE CASE OF FLYING REINDEER AND SANTA CLAUS. BE DISCRETE, THE INFORMATION IS SENSITIVE. AVOID DISTRIBUTING IT TO JUVENILE NEWS GROUPS. IT IS CHRISTMAS TIME.

1. INCLUDING EXTINCT AND INTRODUCED SUBSPECIES, ONLY 22 SUBSPECIES OF DEER (CERVIDAE) HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED IN CANADA (BANFIELD, 1974). NO CITATIONS REPORT THE ANATOMY, BEHAVIOUR, PHYSIOLOGY OR TAXONOMIC STATUS OF A FLYING NORTHERN REINDEER (RANGIFER TARANDUS). HOWEVER, NUMEROUS ANECDOTAL ACCOUNTS EXIST, DATING TO THE TURN OF THE CENTURY, CITING NOCTURNAL OBSERVATIONS OF FLYING DEER. THE MOST LIKELY CANDIDATE IS A DOUBLE-MUSCLED, CERAMIC-COATED VARIANT OF ONE OF 3 SUBSPECIES, R. T. GROENLANDICUS, R. T. PEARYI, OR R. T. TARANDUS, ALTHOUGH THE LATER WERE NOT IMPORTED TO CANADA UNTIL 1929.

2. ACCORDING TO THE POPULATION REFERENCE BUREAU, THERE ARE 91.8 MILLION HOMES (EXCLUDING PEOPLES OF THE MUSLIM, BUDDHIST, JEWISH FAITHS) WITH AN AVERAGE OF 3.5 CHILDREN PER HOUSEHOLD. ONE PRESUMES THERE'S AT LEAST ONE GOOD CHILD IN EACH. BORLAND SOFTWARE, THE MAKERS OF DBASE, ESTIMATE THAT A HARD COPY LIST OF WHO'S NAUGHTY OR NICE, NAME, AGE, SEX AND ANNUAL REQUESTS WOULD CIRCLE THE PLANET 2.30045 TIMES AT THE EQUATOR. THE HARDWARE NEEDED TO MANAGE THE LIST WOULD ADEQUATELY HANDLE NORAD'S MISSILE DEFENCE SYSTEM.

3. SANTA HAS 31 HOURS OF CHRISTMAS TO WORK IN DUE TO THE ROTATION OF THE EARTH AND ASSUMING HE TRAVELS EAST TO WEST. THIS WORKS OUT TO 822.6 VISITS PER SECOND. IN OTHER WORDS, FOR EACH HOUSEHOLD WITH GOOD CHILDREN, SANTA HAS 1/1000TH OF A SECOND TO PARK, HOP OUT OF THE SLEIGH, JUMP DOWN THE CHIMNEY, FILL THE STOCKINGS, DISTRIBUTE THE REMAINING PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE, EAT THE SNACKS, GET UP THE CHIMNEY, HOP INTO THE SLEIGH AND FLY TO THE NEXT HOUSE. ASSUMING THAT EACH OF THE 91.8 MILLION STOPS ARE EVENLY DISTRIBUTED AROUND THE EARTH (A FALSE ASSUMPTION BUT WE WILL USE IT FOR THE PURPOSES OF OUR CALCULATIONS), WE ARE NOW TALKING ABOUT .78 MILES PER HOUSEHOLD AND A TOTAL TRIP OF 75 1/2 MILLION MILES, NOT COUNTING STOPS TO DO WHAT MOST OF US MUST DO AT LEAST ONCE EVERY 31 HOURS. THIS MEANS THAT SANTA'S SLEIGH IS MOVING AT 650 MILES PER SECOND, 3,000 TIMES THE SPEED OF SOUND. FOR PURPOSES OF COMPARISON, THE FASTEST MAN-MADE VEHICLE ON EARTH, THE ULYSSES SPACE PROBE, MOVES AT A POKY 27.4 MILES PER SECOND.

4. THE PAYLOAD ON THE SLEIGH IS ANOTHER INTERESTING ELEMENT. ASSUMING THAT EACH CHILD GETS NOTHING MORE THAN A MEDIUM-SIZED LEGO SET (2 POUNDS), THE SLEIGH MUST CARRY 321,300 TONS, NOT COUNTING SANTA, WHO IS INVARIABLY DESCRIBED AS OVERWEIGHT. ON LAND, DOMESTICATED REINDEER CAN PULL NO MORE THAN 300 POUNDS. EVEN GRANTING THAT FLYING REINDEER COULD PULL TEN TIMES THE NORMAL AMOUNT (SEE POINT #1), WE CANNOT DO THE JOB WITH EIGHT, OR EVEN NINE DEER. WE NEED 214.200 REINDEER. THIS INCREASES THE PAYLOAD - NOT EVEN COUNTING THE WEIGHT OF THE SLEIGH - TO 353,430 TONS. AGAIN FOR COMPARISON - THIS IS FOUR TIMES THE WEIGHT OF THE CRUISE SHIP, QUEEN ELIZABETH.

5. THE AIR RESISTANCE AGAINST 353,000 TONS TRAVELLING AT 650 MILES PER SECOND IS SPECTACULAR. THE REINDEER WILL HEAT UP IN THE SAME FASHION AS A SPACECRAFT RE-ENTERING THE EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE. THE LEAD PAIR OF REINDEER WILL ABSORB 14.3 QUINTILLION JOULES OF ENERGY. PER SECOND. EACH. IN SHORT, THEY WILL BURST INTO FLAMES ALMOST INSTANTANEOUSLY AND CREATE DEAFENING SONIC BOOMS IN THEIR WAKE. THE ENTIRE REINDEER TEAM WILL BE VAPORIZED WITHIN 4.26 THOUSANDTHS OF A SECOND. SANTA MEANWHILE, WILL BE SUBJECT TO FORCES 17,500.06 TIMES GREATER THAN GRAVITY. A 250-POUND SANTA (WHICH SEEMS LUDICROUSLY SLIM) WOULD BE PINNED TO THE BACK OF HIS SLEIGH BY 4,315,015 POUNDS OF FORCE.

6. IN CONCLUSION, IF SANTA EVER DID DELIVER PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE, HE'S DEAD NOW.