SIMPLY PUT...
    WOMEN  SPEAK  IN  ESTROGEN  AND
    MEN  LISTEN  IN  TESTOSTERONE...
By Matt Groening
     
     SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds 
of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the 
foreplay.
     
     MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year old females can 
function as adults.  Most 17-year old males are still trading 
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. 
This is why high school romances rarely work out.
     
     MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women's 
magazines also  feature pictures of naked women. This is because 
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is 
lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men 
are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.  Most naked 
men elicit laughter from women.
     
     HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just 
chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they 
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously 
large loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a  royal pain to read 
a note from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a 
smiley face at the end of the note.
     
     COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching 
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. 
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh 
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's 
favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait 
it out.
     
     BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a 
Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's 
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these 
items.
     
     GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the 
store and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left 
in his fridge are half a lime and  a  beer.  Then he goes grocery 
shopping. He buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man 
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the 
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not 
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
     
     CATS:
Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 
looking, men kick cats.
     
     OFFSPRING:
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows 
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best 
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. 
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
     
     DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the 
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will 
dress up for: weddings, funerals.
     
     DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 
Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a 
bad haircut.
     
     LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every 
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that 
were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. 
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt 
inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the 
laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the 
laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes 
of "Love, American Style."
     
     WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." 
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
     
     SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweat socks. 
Women wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the 
ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball 
on the back.
     
     NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they 
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will 
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, 
Peanut-Head and Useless.
     
   EATING OUT:
. and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each 
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them 
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want 
change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket 
calculators.
     
     MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of 
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The 
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. 
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator 
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes 
shopping for a Porsche.
     
     THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the 
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can 
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she 
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
     
     RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. 
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy 
who works at the health club and dates only married women.
     
     MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.
     
     PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. 
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days 
later to an apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this 
happens.
     
     CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for 
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take 
photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, 
women always end up taking better pictures.
     
     LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, 
and women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football 
nearly as well as they  think they do, and they fabricate stories 
about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex.  And 
not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and 
technical, and they never lie.
     
     GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. 
Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in 
garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided 
benches in garages.
     
     MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. 
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been 
produced by a  man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
     
     JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with 
wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will  
look like a lounge singer named Vic.
     
     SPORT ARENAS:
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and 
arenas. The women usually end up following men.
     
     TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, 
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time 
outs, commercials, or replays.
     
     CONVERSATION:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great 
movie.", What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that 
size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia
guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations 
with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside
looks lovely."  "Mm hmm."  Pause.  "that was a good restaurant last night, 
wasn't it?"  "Yeah."  Pause.  And so on.
     
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.  Men on a boy's 
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 
"Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"
     
     RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.  Women use 
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a 
word to each other.  Never in the history of the world has a man 
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was 
just about to take a leak.  Do you want to join me?